I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
