I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
