so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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