the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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