so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
