its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
