I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
