Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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