If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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