Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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