why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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