I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
