i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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