Welp...herpes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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