i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
