i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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