ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
