It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
