i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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