We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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