Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
