when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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