Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
