She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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