Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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