I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The best revenge is premature balding
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's blow job season.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
