i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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