Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
