my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
