i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just had sex on a roof
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
