Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
