Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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