Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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