Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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