dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
