What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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