What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My bed smells like the plague
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
