Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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