I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
