Can i not drive my cunt home
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
