My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
