Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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