I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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