i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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