Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
