So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
