Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
