Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
