i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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