My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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