I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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