he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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