Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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