A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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