it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
