i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
