That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize