Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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