Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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