Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
