"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
