Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
a search helicopter?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
