I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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