but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
