like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
