I just made out with a guy for $7.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize