I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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