So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
