i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
