I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
