dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
