I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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