awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
